Each year, millions of people have Super Bowl parties.

When you invite people into your home, you should be a gracious host. Sometimes, though, a host/hostess has to draw the line and tell certain people “nope. Sorry, man. You’re not getting in here tonight.”

Everybody knows someone who takes advantage of the host’s home during a Super Bowl Party. So I took the time out of my busy, BUSY schedule to compile a list of people to totally exclude from your Super Bowl festivities.

‘The circus is in town’ guy
Everyone knows several people like this. They eat too much salsa or too many buffalo wings, then leave your bathroom smelling like a monkey cage. I was at a party once where I thought I needed to wear a Hazmat suit and galoshes in order to just wash my hands.

The ‘mooch’
This person might be the worst of the bunch. The mooch comes to your party, empty-handed, then proceeds to pile snacks on plate after plate. He doesn’t eat them while he’s there, though; he wraps them in foil, sticks them in an old Kroger bag and puts them in his car. That’s not even the worst part. After all that, he comes back to the party…and eats more food.

The ‘teach me’ girl/boyfriend
I know several women who have immense football knowledge. By that I mean they know how many points a touchdown is, what a running back does, what offsides is, etc. Women like my mom, though, are a different story. She’s the same woman who told somebody Barry Sanders played linebacker. There’s nothing wrong with teaching your girlfriend (or boyfriend in some odd cases) the game of football, but holding that class during the Super Bowl is sacrilegious. People are trying to enjoy the game, eat their smokey links and have some libations. No one wants to hear somebody whispering, “hey, sweetie, you know those wide receivers you told me about? I thought they’d be fatter?”

‘I couldn’t find a babysitter’ guy
I’ve been to a couple Super Bowl shindigs where parents had to bring their little tykes. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as the kids know how to act. Home training has been lacking in some instances, though. My solution: throw a box of Capri Sun and a bag of Combo’s in a room with a 12-inch TV, Nintendo Wii and one Wii remote. The youngsters will either learn to ration out snacks and share or it’ll turn into the 21st-century version of “Lord of the Flies” really, REALLY fast.

‘I don’t have to work the next day’ guy
This person always wears out their welcome. They come four hours before the game starts and drink like a fish. Usually, once the game’s over, people file out, say how much fun they had, yada, yada, yada. But this guy is still hanging around, trying to find any remnants of left-over liquor and snacks. I know some people view Super Bowl Sunday as a holiday, but this guy takes it to a whole ‘nother level by taking the following Monday off work. No matter what you do — yawn, doze off — he’s not leaving.
My advice: as soon as the game’s over, tell him you’re out of booze.

‘I’m gonna buy all the squares’ guy
For those of you who don’t know what squares is, during the game, you pick numbers from 0-9 and try and determine what the scores will be at the end of each quarter. For example, if you pick 4 and 6, and the score at the end of the first quarter is 14-6, you win some scratch. Some people are obsessed with this game so much to the point they’ll buy damn near half the board. Win or lose, they’re unbearable. I’m talking Fran Drescher’s voice unbearable. I’ve often had the urge to pull a 211 on the winners because of constant questions of “did I have those numbers? Are those my numbers? How much is the pot?” Newsflash: it’s just for fun; and, usually, the house fixes the games.

For anyone hosting a Super Bowl Bash, you can easily identify these people. You probably already know them. And for those of you planning to hit a Super Bowl party, don’t end up like these folks.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out which prop bets I wanna put potato chips on.